Dragon Empress
06-02-2008, 02:32 PM
Ok I need some opinions on an upcoming novel I am working on, it's part of my vampire series.
First a few details, this vampire is very snake like, and I mean it! So keep that in mind.
Second I want to know if this is scary or more of a "ick" factor, not too sure, feedback is welcomed.
PS, he IS a vampire. Big Daddy McQueen, I think you know who I am talking about ;)
third, this takes place at a vampire bar under a meat packaging plant slaughter house.
ok here it is
I had damned vampire sit on either side of me; they stared at the pig in front of me. “What kind of creature only wants the shell?” one asked. He took the pig and threw it across the room; others tore it to shreds making it not worth salvaging.
“I was going to eat that,” I muttered lowly to them. The vampires began to grow aggressive to me, the youth was prepared to fight at my side but it won’t be necessary. I stood off of my chair and stared at the immortals. Taking off my hood, all paused as they stared at the markings along my eyes and the black veins that protruded from my neck. “You still wish to pursue me as an easy target?” I asked.
The damned laughed. A large one approached and dared to challenge me, just to impress his coven that cheered him on. He bared his fangs, I bared mine. It startled some of the immortals in the room. For every tooth in my mouth is long and sharp. It didn’t bother him the least bit.
His fist flew freely towards me. Easily I avoided the blows, for my speed was greater than his own. I decided to, how do I put this, scare the utter crap out of them. Catching his fist, I threw it off to the side, took hold of the immortal and shoved him half way down my throat! Slowly he began to slide downward into my stomach, inch by inch. The room instantly froze as the vampire kicked about and tried to get out, not a creature said a word. Some looked about ready to fight until I continued to let the creature drift farther and farther down, for extra intimidation, I had it’s feet fully in my mouth. Slowly I closed my lips together and waited to see who would dare try and strike me. His coven shot to their feet in utter panic for one of their own. “Let him go man… please… let him go!” one finally begged of me. The vampire continued to move about in my mouth in every which way, his scream still got through my stomach. Waiting a moment longer, I pulled the creature out of my mouth and set him down.
“Next one who tries to attack me… you go ALL THE WAY DOWN!” I was instantly given a ten-foot radius around me, no one dared to sit next to me
ok so what do you think? :o
First a few details, this vampire is very snake like, and I mean it! So keep that in mind.
Second I want to know if this is scary or more of a "ick" factor, not too sure, feedback is welcomed.
PS, he IS a vampire. Big Daddy McQueen, I think you know who I am talking about ;)
third, this takes place at a vampire bar under a meat packaging plant slaughter house.
ok here it is
I had damned vampire sit on either side of me; they stared at the pig in front of me. “What kind of creature only wants the shell?” one asked. He took the pig and threw it across the room; others tore it to shreds making it not worth salvaging.
“I was going to eat that,” I muttered lowly to them. The vampires began to grow aggressive to me, the youth was prepared to fight at my side but it won’t be necessary. I stood off of my chair and stared at the immortals. Taking off my hood, all paused as they stared at the markings along my eyes and the black veins that protruded from my neck. “You still wish to pursue me as an easy target?” I asked.
The damned laughed. A large one approached and dared to challenge me, just to impress his coven that cheered him on. He bared his fangs, I bared mine. It startled some of the immortals in the room. For every tooth in my mouth is long and sharp. It didn’t bother him the least bit.
His fist flew freely towards me. Easily I avoided the blows, for my speed was greater than his own. I decided to, how do I put this, scare the utter crap out of them. Catching his fist, I threw it off to the side, took hold of the immortal and shoved him half way down my throat! Slowly he began to slide downward into my stomach, inch by inch. The room instantly froze as the vampire kicked about and tried to get out, not a creature said a word. Some looked about ready to fight until I continued to let the creature drift farther and farther down, for extra intimidation, I had it’s feet fully in my mouth. Slowly I closed my lips together and waited to see who would dare try and strike me. His coven shot to their feet in utter panic for one of their own. “Let him go man… please… let him go!” one finally begged of me. The vampire continued to move about in my mouth in every which way, his scream still got through my stomach. Waiting a moment longer, I pulled the creature out of my mouth and set him down.
“Next one who tries to attack me… you go ALL THE WAY DOWN!” I was instantly given a ten-foot radius around me, no one dared to sit next to me
ok so what do you think? :o